Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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