last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
