I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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