I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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