You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
