i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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