A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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