you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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