the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
