I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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