Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
