Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize