I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
