It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
