He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
