He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
