He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
