Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
