if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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