Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize