my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
