I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
