Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
