I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
