this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
