: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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