If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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