Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
