I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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