Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
