my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
