You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
