Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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