Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
