TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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