I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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