Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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