Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
