fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There's even glitter on my cock...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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