I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
