In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
