well I can't set my house on fire every night
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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