3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
