Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he thought i was a dude.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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