Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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