Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.ā \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
