he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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