God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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