Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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