you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
