sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
