I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
