I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
