I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
