Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
