It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
