why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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