I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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