You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
