Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
