I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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