i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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