in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
