i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize