I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
