In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
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