If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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