i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
