i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
